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Chapter 84: Jealousy, Anticlimactic, and True Thoughts

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Author: Himezaki Shiu Original Source: Syosetu
Translator: PunishedLyly English Source: Re:Library
Editor(s): Fire

「It’s delicious, it’s so delicious! So black tea can taste different depending on the variety. Although I can’t tell which is better… It’s so fun!」
「Yes, yes. I’m glad you enjoy them. As for which one you like best, we’ll have plenty of time to learn it from now on.」

As I opened(?) my eyes, I overheard this exchange. The first voice was Ciel’s and the other one was Fiiyanamia’s. It seems like they’re having an awfully enjoyable conversation.

It felt like my head was hit with a hammer. I felt dizzy, like my head was swaying back and forth.

The two of them became very close while I was gone. After all, Ciel is talking normally right now. Up until now, Ciel would only talk normally with me. That’s why I’m sure that Ciel has great trust in Fiiyanamia. Seeing Ciel being able to talk to someone other than me, I should be happy, I should be proud, and yet I can’t even tell her that I’m awake now, much less congratulate her for it.

Ciel repeating her words twice is proof that she’s extremely pleased. Then Fiiyanamia won over Ciel in just three days?

Murky emotions are welling up from within me. I’m glad that I don’t have a body. Otherwise, I would’ve been trembling right now.

Every time Ciel makes a happy, delighted look in front of Fiiyanamia, it stirs up my emotions. Wouldn’t it be fine if I stay hidden and just silently disappear? Wouldn’t it be better for me to just use the Ainsel’s magic right now?

Aren’t I and this ugliness of mine unsuitable to be with Ciel?

No matter how much I reject these thoughts, my emotions remain murky as before. I’m sure that what I’m feeling right now is jealousy. I’m jealous of Fiiyanamia. I’m irritated with Ciel for having so much fun with Fiiyanamia.

Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting.

My thoughts, my emotions, are heading toward a negative direction.

I’m sure that if I speak right now, I wouldn’t be able to stop my emotions from running my mouth. I don’t know what I could say. I can’t trust myself with speaking.

Before I noticed it, the two of them had finished their tea time and I was left stunned at how I was so upset that I remember absolutely nothing from their conversation.

Ciel returned to the room we were given. As she muttered 「Are you still out there, Ain?」 while lying on the bed, I finally got the chance to reveal my presence.

Umm, good morning, Ciel.』
「Ain! It’s you, right Ain? Good morning, Ain.」

While I feel glad to hear her repeatedly call my name with delight, what happened earlier is still on my mind, so I honestly can’t feel happy.

『Umm, Ciel. Were you alright?』
「Yes, yes. I got a bit depressed but I’m fine. You see, Fii taught me a lot of things.」
『I see… You seemed to have so much fun after all.』

She’s already calling Fiiyanamia by nickname. So that could mean, she let Fiiyanamia call her Ciel?

Somehow, that’s… yeah.

No, this is bad. The cynicism I’m hiding is going to slip out of my lips.

「Oh, so you knew, Ain? Did you see us?」
『Yes, I saw. It seemed like you were really enjoying yourself.』
「That’s right, that’s true. You see, Fii was-」
『Of course it would have been enjoyable! Rather than some vague unknown being like me, some former male from a different world, talking with a female born in this world like Fiiyanamia must have been more enjoyable, right!?』

I’ve said it now. And I yelled at Ciel. Ciel would hate me if I said these. So to avoid that from happening, I’ve always kept these to myself.

I’m sure that Ciel would be disgusted with me. After all, I’m male like Duke Rispelgia. I’m sure that Ciel would find me unsettling. After all, I’m not someone from this world.

Still, I would eventually need to tell her this. I intended to tell her this once we reached a safe place. This mansion where Fiiyanamia resides is probably the safest place in the world, so timing aside, this might be the best place for it.

Thinking that, I resigned myself. Just as how children eventually need to be independent from their parents, Ciel would eventually need to become independent herself. It’s just that this time is now, I’m sure of it. Although it’s more like I just pulled a trigger.

In that case, then I’m glad that Ciel is going to hate me because if she does hate me, she likely wouldn’t be sad for what would happen next.

Fufufu, I see. I see. Then, what Fii said was true, perhaps?」
Umm, Ciel?』

Ciel was surprised but suddenly broke into a giggle, so I reflexively called her.

「Fii told me, you see? That if I got along well with Fii, Ain might get angry. I told her that Ain wouldn’t get angry from that but she said that Ain will get jealous since I’m important to you. Jealousy isn’t really a good emotion so I’m sorry, Ain, but I’m really glad that you got jealous. After all, it’s proof that I’m really important to Ain. Still, being so happy about this, I might be a bad girl.」
『I’m… originally a man, you know?』
「I’ve always had a hunch. And so, what about it then?」
『So what…』

What I’ve been worried about for such a long time was accepted that easily. Rather, she knew it from the very beginning?

「Ain, you seem to have a small misunderstanding but actually I’m not particularly bad with men, you know?」
『… You aren’t?』
「I’m also bad with men but I’m bad with people in general, you know? If I were to differentiate between people, I’d first divide it into Ain and other people. Ain is the most important, you see?」

With that sudden bombshell, my brain stopped. I was absolutely ready to disappear but now? Not anymore. Rather, I was faced with straightforward affection and it’s making me feel restless in a different sense.

「Besides, even if the old Ain was different, Ain right now is a girl, right? You’re a Song Princess after all.」
『Umm, yes. It seems so.』
「Then there’s no problem, right?」
『That’s… is it?』
「There’s no problem, is there?」

Feeling a strange intensity from her, all I could do was nod.

『Still, I wasn’t a person from this world, you know?』
「And is there a problem with that? Or rather, I also had a hunch that that was the case.」
『… This too?』
「There are several reasons but the language “Cielmer” came from… “Ferentch”, was it? I’ve never heard any country with a language like that.」

How careless. If I had already slipped up from that long ago, then I have probably slipped up even more after that.

「That’s why, Ain. Don’t worry. I’m no good without you. Without Ain, I’m always so anxious and uneasy. And I’m sure that this will never change in the future. That’s why, Ain. Stay with me forever. If you disappear, I’ll search for you until I die, you know?」
『… Yes. I understand.』

Perhaps relieved, if not convinced, with my reply, Ciel rang a bell before lying back down on the bed and falling asleep. Although it somehow feels like Ciel just ditched me right now, I do feel somewhat exhausted as well.

As Ciel fell asleep and I was pondering on what to do, I immediately heard knocking from the door. It must be Fiiyanamia but I’m somewhat reluctant to talk to her with my feelings being complicated right now. Although with that said, I can’t just ignore her either. After all, this is Fiiyanamia’s home.

「Do you have time?」
「Yes. It’s fine right now.」

Before I could leave the bed to open the door, Fiiyanamia entered the room. With her looks the same as before, it made me think that I’ve really kept on meeting pretty people ever since I came to this world but come to think of it, I guess I’m also one of those pretty people too now. I look like Ciel after all.

「It’s fine, sit down.」
Umm, how may I help today?」
「Ciel asked me a favor.」

I feel an ache in my chest. Hiding this, I ask about it.

「A favor?」
「Yes, yes. That’s why, could you drink this cup of black tea?」
「Black tea?」
「Yes, would you mind?」
「… Understood.」

It’s extremely suspicious. Rather, it’s nothing but suspicious. Though, since it’s a request, I can’t just decline. Taking the cup she’s handing me, I drank the black tea which had a beautiful hue in a single gulp. I waited for a moment to see if it had any side effects but since nothing happened in particular, I decided to ask what exactly this tea is.

「Don’t take Ciel, please, don’t take Ciel away from me…」


That… I had no intention to say that. I just wanted to ask what the tea was about.

As I was surprised, Fiiyanamia wipes my cheeks with a handkerchief.

Tears? I’m crying right now?

「I know, I know. It’s shocking, isn’t it? What you just drank is… a truth serum of sorts, I suppose. It draws out the thoughts you’ve kept under wraps.」
「Why… why? I’m not strong, I have to be strong. It’s so hard, I want to stop but, but I can’t say this!」

Because if I put it into words, Ciel is going to be worried. I have to protect Ciel but it’ll be meaningless if she’s concerned.

But, it was really hard. It was grueling; there were even times when I’ve thought of giving up. Again and again and again people wanted us dead. I’ve never even felt killing intent in my whole life up until then. I thought I was dead just from that. It was scary, just terrifying.

And noticing myself gradually changing was terrifying too. I’ve lost the hesitation to kill living creatures. I now look at people’s deaths with cold objectivity. I understand full well that I’ve changed.

「No, no. You can let it out. It was tough, wasn’t it? After all, you were so pressed that it wouldn’t have been strange for you to break down any moment. If you had, you wouldn’t have been able to protect Ciel, right? You always think about Ciel more than you do of yourself, don’t you?」
「It’s fine, it was all fine. No matter how tough and scary it was. Because Ciel was with me then. So please, please don’t take Ciel away.」
「Of course, don’t worry. No one is going to take Ciel away from you. That’s impossible to begin with. Still, the timing was terrible, wasn’t it? It must have seemed like I was going to do so.」
「I don’t want to be separated from Ciel. But I’ll need to someday. It won’t do any good for us to be together forever. I need to disappear for Ciel.」

Because I’m sure that day will come. I can’t be selfish. If I say something selfish, it’ll only trouble Ciel.

「No, no. You don’t have to disappear. Nobody wants that.」
「But, but, Ciel shouldn’t become dependent on me. Right?」
「Isn’t that fine? After all, whether you like it or not, the two of you can’t be separated from each other. Besides, isn’t it fine as long as the two of you are happy?」

Is it really? I don’t think both of us can be happy unless we can be independent from each other. Is our situation different, or is it possible that outsiders view our codependency differently from how we actually feel?

「But even without me, Ciel can…」
「You see, the reason I’ve gotten close with Ciel is because we were talking about you.」
「That shows just how important you are to Ciel. After all, she nearly closed heart to everything after only one day without you. That’s why I had to somehow get close to her, Ciel could have broken down otherwise.」
「… Is that… so.」
「My my, are you done letting your feelings out?」
「Forgive me for the shameful display.」
「It’s fine. You’ve heard from the Creator God, didn’t you? We’re like a family of sorts after all. Rely on me anytime, alright?」
「Thank you very much.」

「Have a good rest.」 After Fiiyanamia said so with a smile, she left the room.

Hiya~! Today’s chapter is just, Just Relax and Unwind for once Ain: the Chapter~! Borrowing the actual words of the author: “This chapter Ain is somewhat delirious. Be warned.” lol. Also, I haven’t had the chance to reply to the comments lately but I do read them all. I really need to reply again…

First of all, Ain once again in a negative spiral, which last happened I think during the Tolt dolt incident? Though that was minor, The last major one is the most memorable one after all, the one right after the Rispelgia incident. Really, the stress on Ain is really heavy, since as I might have repeated, she has knowledge and memories of what “normal” should be and it’s extremely stressing for her to see Ciel being deprived of that ever since she was born. It’s made more obvious here (and of course in the Ciel interludes), as you can practically see the difference in Ain’s expectation of a “normal” reaction to her weirdness and Ciel’s actual reaction and lack of concern to what Ain sees as “normally weird”.

Also, Ain is really, really focused on “disappearing” for some reason. Ominously so. Like it’s actually possible.

Anyhow, what makes this chapter really exciting for me is actually everyone’s reaction from the last main story chapter. Everyone’s so worried about Ciel and rightfully so, but what about Ain? Hehehe. While Ain is practically expected to be the more “mature” and calmer one, honestly, Ain’s as fragile, if not more, than Ciel. Ciel’s a tough girl to be honest and her environment has a lot to do with that. She was born into a tough environment, which resulted to her being tough (with Ain’s presence being a strong emotional support of course). Ain of the other hand? She’s born in a normal household, died, woke up in an approximation of hell on earth, gave up in life, noticed that there’s an actual innocent baby that’s going to be living in this hell which enraged her greatly, causing her to want to protect her, failed protecting her the time she needed it the most *and* failed to be there when she needed moral and emotional support. Ciel saw this life as “normal” which is by no means good, but it does skew her perception of life and makes her enjoy the most of things. Remember, Ain was the one who cried the first time they tasted real food, not Ciel. She’s put pressure on herself to give Ciel a “normal” life, or at least protect her until she can get one. I’m probably repeating myself at this point.

On the last part, Fiiyanamia has really been upping her resident mom levels, it seems. Despite how fine Ciel is, it seems like Ciel was doing so badly within these three days that Fiiyanamia took matters in her own hands. Also, they’re on nickname basis now, that was some quick action on that regard. That would’ve been interesting to see what actually happened. Who knows, maybe we’ll get an interlude for that sometime soon. *wink, wink.

Now then, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please feel free to comment. Stay clean, stay safe, and have a nice day~!


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