Follow us on:
Facebook   Discord   RSS

Chapter 188: White flowers don’t always bear fruit

Leave a comment

Author: Shizuku Original Source: Syosetu Word Count: 3064 characters
Translator: Nomad English Source: Re:Library Word Count: 1484 words
Editor(s): Robinxen

Some time after dinner, I’m looking at the garden with Akane on my lap when Ruri enters my room.

“Hey, wanna go drink for a bit?” Saying that, she shows me a bottle of sake and some small sake cups. I’m curious to know what the drinks of Reibana taste like, but I’m also a bit hesitant to get too far away from Olivia in a foreign place.

“Don’t worry about me. Go and relax for a bit.” But then Olivia tells me to go, so I leave together with Ruri.

Ruri leads me to a gazebo quite far away from the room, which was a nice spot to see sakura at night. There, she places the bottle and cups on the table, and I bring out some curated meat and sausages from my magic storage, preparing things to drink.

“Well, let’s drink to our reunion then.”

I raise my cup a little and then drink from it.

“It’s good.”
“I know, right? This one is brewed exclusively for the Urado family. Ah, these sausages are good too.”

Somehow we end up continuing our conversation from earlier. We also continue drinking, and while I can’t get drunk in this body, Ruri’s inebriation rubs off on me and I also become more talkative.

“You came on Marize’s ship, didn’t you? Were Wakana and Nisuke alright?”
“Yeah, Wakana was working hard with the other sailors, and Nisuke helped with paperwork. Was it you who asked Marize to hire those kids?”
“Something like that. We kinda ran into each other a while back, and I just wanted to make sure they could earn enough to feed themselves.”

So I guess Ruri wanted to help both of them. I don’t know where their parents are, but it probably isn’t a fun story if the kids need to fend off for themselves now.

“Wakana kept saying how she wanted to become a maid like you, Ruri, and she sounded really determined too.”
“I appreciate the sentiment, but she’s definitely too young. We’ll have to wait ten…or maybe five years more.”
“Would it really take that long?”

I don’t know about the laws in Reibana, but even after five years, Wakana would still be considered a minor in Seperion.

“Probably. But I might consider bringing her under my wing if she can hold onto that determination for as long as Olivia has kept her feelings.”

Hearing Olivia’s name be dropped so suddenly made me want to regurgitate the sake I just drank. I quickly gulp everything down and then glare at Ruri, who caused all of that.

“Don’t bring her into this.”
“Hmm? But she kept saying how she fell for you almost the moment you two met. How many years has it been since then?”
“That’d be…four years…”

I’ve never asked Olivia when she started liking me, but I first met her around two weeks after I woke up in this world, and if what Ruri said is true, then she’s been like that for almost as long as I’ve been here.

“But you still haven’t given her a clear reply? If you don’t like her that way then just tell her, instead of keeping the poor thing hanging like that.”
“But… I thought I already told you…”

I’m pretty sure I already talked about this when we were drinking with Mir in the cave below our home.

“I don’t know why everyone’s so hellbent on pushing us together, I’m just an automaton. No matter what happens, I’m not human and never will be. It’d never be a normal relationship.”
“Well then, why don’t you just reject her properly? But hmm, I also understand your viewpoint and situation.”
“Really? What do you understand about me?”

She’s making a good point, but she just said something I can’t ignore.

“I mean, we’re both in the same situation-”
“Definitely not, we’re nothing alike.”

Us? In the same situation? What a joke.

“You’ve always been a girl, here and in your past life. I used to be a guy.”

Having to live as the opposite gender isn’t easy at all. My identity was always dictated by how I saw myself and how others perceived me, the weight of having all of that turn on its head isn’t something easy to endure at all.

And more importantly…

“And look at you, you’re still pretty much human.”

I focus some mana on my arm, creating a razor sharp blade that shines with a blue light under the night sky. This is an ability I discovered shortly after I came to this world.

Then I bring my other arm closer, cutting a deep gash into it. If I was human, blood would be gushing out from the deep wound, and I’d be nearly passing out from the pain. But there’s no blood, and I’ll never be able to shed a tear.

“Look! There’s no blood, I don’t even feel pain! Sometimes it doesn’t even feel like I’m actually alive in this body!”

On top of that, cuts like this will close up through my regenerative functions much faster than a wound would heal.

“Sure, we both came from a different world, but that’s where the similarities end. Now I have to live as a girl, I’m not human, and I keep questioning if I can call this living. So really, what is it you understand about me1?!”

To be honest, most of those insecurities don’t bother me anymore. But there’s still times when I feel like I’m living in someone else’s body.

That also applies to my clothes. Every time I put on female clothing and underwear, I have to think of myself as something like an avatar in a game. Otherwise, it’s impossible for me to wear anything like that.

“Then I don’t know! Have you ever said any of this before? How do you want me to understand you if you never talk!”
“Why would I?! All I wanted was to have fun talking about manga or light novels. I’ve been reborn with this powerful and useful body, everyone around me is kind, so why would I want to complain and act like it’s unfair!”

I know that it’s all my own weakness and insecurity. But I couldn’t stop those thoughts from haunting me. So all I could do was to keep them to myself.

“And it’s only thanks to this body that I’m even here in the first place. And I promised Ophelia that I’d always keep Olivia safe.”

Ophelia created ‘Natalia’ as a magic automaton, and by chance my soul decided to take root in it. When Ophelia noticed, she accepted me all the same, so I need to repay that kindness.

“Hmm, so you’re saying it’s all Ophelia’s fault2?”
“What did you just say?”
“That’s what you just said. It’s Ophelia’s fault for making that automaton body3, her fault that you’re stuck as a maid and can’t answer to Olivia’s feelings, and her fault that you aren’t free. That’s what you just told me.”

“You keep saying how you used to be a guy, but you haven’t done anything to live as an automaton or a girl now. You don’t have the courage to let go of who you were, or to accept who you are now. You’re just afraid, you do nothing but run away from everything, that’s why you say you don’t feel alive, why you don’t accept you’re no longer in our past world, why you refuse to harbor feelings, and why you’re always sidelining Olivia.”

Somehow I couldn’t deny any of that instantly, probably because everything she said is right.

If I was actually trying to fulfill my promise with Ophelia, I would’ve fully become an automaton, fully devoting myself to serving Olivia and forgetting who I was in my past life, and not wanting any private time4.

But I lacked the courage to do so.

I’m too weak to do anything, and I hate that about myself, so I never wanted to admit it. I hated it, so I acted like I didn’t notice, pushed it out of my mind, kept up appearances, and ran away from everything.

“You’re right… I’m afraid, I admit it. But what’s so wrong with running away…”
“Do you realize how much you’re hurting others by doing that? You can only put off things for so long. If all you do is run, you’ll eventually be forced to face everything at once. Isn’t that right, Olivia?”

Ruri looks to the side, and I instinctively follow her gaze.


I turn around and see the one person I wanted the least to be there. She was listening… Since when..? What does she know..? Why..? She’ll hate me now… What should I do? It’s over for me…

I feel like my view turns dark and starts to sway around. My thoughts keep racing. But I can’t figure out what to do.

“Olivia…” I mutter in confusion…and then I run away.



  1. Robinxen: The emotional dam finally broke…
  2. Robinxen: What twitter argument logic level is this?!
  3. Robinxen: I wonder if that thanks was meant to be sarcastic then… I interpreted it as him being thankful for the random miracle chance that his soul had a place to settle.
  4. Robinxen: Uh…… okay I give up here, the author clearly wants to take this drama in a direction that doesn’t align to how I view things so I will cease commentary.
Notify of

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments

Your Gateway to Gender Bender Novels