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A quiet place and a noisy place. If I had to choose, I probably wouldn’t like either. In a quiet place, loneliness would fill my heart, but in a noisy place, I’d painfully realize my solitude.

I found it bothersome.

If I could discard feelings like loneliness and solitude as trivial, I could surely become lighter. But the emotions I’ve held onto since childhood couldn’t be discarded so easily. They had become a part of me, something I couldn’t separate from or forget.

When I closed my eyes, I heard the sound of water.

“Look, Iroha, goldfish!”

I heard Inazuki’s voice. When I opened my eyes, she was gazing at the aquarium with sparkling eyes.

This space, filled with multiple aquariums, wasn’t a typical aquarium but something called an “aquarium exhibit.” Various tanks filled with aquatic plants and goldfish were illuminated by colorful lights.

“It’s beautiful. But I wonder how they feed them and stuff.”
“Are you curious about that?”
“A jaded adult tends to worry about such things.”

She said, holding my hand.

As expected for a Saturday morning, the place was crowded. Holding hands while walking wasn’t unusual, but doing so in such a place made me feel unsettled.

Unsettled, but at peace.

Contradictory emotions stirred within my chest, blending together into a mess. In the end, I squeezed her hand in return.

“I don’t think you’re that jaded. And you’re not an adult either.”
“I’ve lived much muuuch longer than you, Iroha.”
“Yeah, but I can have a proper conversation with you. You’re definitely a high school student like me.”

The gap between adults and children was much wider and farther than the emotional distance between us right now. As long as we could talk face to face, I believed we were on the same level.

Adults had their own thoughts, and children had theirs. The thoughts of adults and children were probably so different that they often didn’t align. I was still too much of a child to understand adult thoughts. That’s why I couldn’t understand my parents’ feelings.

…But.

“I can understand you, Inazuki, and I want to understand you more.”
“Iroha, you’re always so genuine.”
“If I put on a facade, I’d lose sight of what’s important.”
“That’s true.”

Hand in hand, we walked through the exhibit. In the tanks illuminated by changing lights, we saw goldfish swimming leisurely.

Even if they only knew this world inside the tanks, the goldfish seemed comfortable. Had I been a creature satisfied with the environment given to me, would I have been happier than I was now? Since I couldn’t figure it out even after thinking about it, I just kept my eyes on the tank without saying anything.

It was beautiful.

As I watched, my heart felt filled with water, and it seemed like all the various things accumulated there were dissolving and disappearing. It felt like drowning. The way I breathed, gasping for air, probably looked much more unsightly compared to the goldfish in the tank.

“For example, do you think the goldfish here could survive if they were suddenly thrown into a large lake?”

Amid the surrounding chatter, Inazuki’s voice rang out.

She stared at the tank with a distant look in her eyes. I couldn’t grasp the intention behind her question.

“Probably not. The goldfish only know this place. They’d die.”
“Yeah, that’s true.”

She tightened her grip on my hand.

It hurts a little.

“Creatures raised in a comfortable environment can’t survive if they’re returned to their original habitat. Even if they could survive, they wouldn’t be the same as they are now.”

What was Inazuki trying to say? Was she thinking about the happiness of the goldfish here? Or was she comparing something to the goldfish?

“Did you know? Goldfish originally didn’t exist in the wild.”

Inazuki said that with a smile.

The goldfish illuminated by purple light swam on, oblivious to us. No matter how much they’re admired or photographed, the goldfish live on without a care. It’s not so much that they’re indifferent, but rather that they lack the capacity to think about such things.

That might actually be much happier.

“Is that so?”
“Yeah. Maybe that’s why they’re so beautiful.”

I believed there were many beautiful things in nature too. But Inazuki looked like she didn’t know that.

“…Inazuki, what’s one plus one?”
“Huh? Oh, two!”

I quickly raised my phone and took a picture of Inazuki’s surprised expression. It was an incredibly silly look, unlike her usual beautiful smile or the occasional sad expression.

A new side of Inazuki that I hadn’t known.

“So you can make such faces too, Inazuki. Quite amusing.”
“I’ll make a cuter face, so delete that picture.”
“Deleting it won’t help. It’s already stuck in my memory.”
“Then smack your head to erase it.”
“You barbarian.”

I laughed softly.

Inazuki frowned, looking displeased.

“I want to see more of those faces.”
“I think it’s pretty bad taste to enjoy looking at my weird faces.”
“Weird faces or not, I just want to see new expressions from you, Inazuki. …Is that bad taste?”
“…No, it’s not at all. You’re just so straightforward.”

Inazuki showed a somewhat conflicted expression before putting her arm around my shoulder. She pulled out a selfie stick from her bag and immediately put on an exaggerated smile.

There was a click, and then the shutter sound began to go off repeatedly. I wondered which was faster, the sound of the camera shutter or the heartbeat I felt from Inazuki. It was hard to compare, but since both were fast, it felt like my own heartbeat sped up in response.

“Yep, that turned out cute. …But I think your smile is lacking, Iroha.”
“I think I’m smiling quite a bit.”
“Not enough. Nowhere near enough. Try giving more of a blooming smile.”

Blooming smile… What was that?

I’ve never really thought about how to smile, so it was difficult. When I tried lifting the corners of my mouth, Inazuki laughed at me. Was my expression so weird?

“Haha, what’s that face? It looks so unnatural.”
“…This is the best I can do right now. Can we stop with the photos and keep exploring?”
“Yeah, you’re right. It’d be a waste not to see more.”

We naturally intertwined our fingers and started walking.

Until I met Inazuki, I barely knew the warmth of another person’s touch. I’d had chances to hold hands with friends, but I had never been so physically close to someone, nor had I ever embraced anyone. When our body heat mixed, it felt like various things were flowing into me, making me feel like I was no longer myself. But it wasn’t a scary feeling; it was comforting.

The day passed by in a whirlwind, in an almost impossible flow of time, and hands that should have been cold became warm.

The hole in my chest filled up with unknown things, and my heart was becoming more and more filled with Inazuki. That made me so indescribably happy that I wanted to fill my heart with her until it burst. Once it became normal to have Inazuki in my heart, if she ever disappeared, my heart might stop functioning as a heart.

So, I needed to throw away various things faster than my heart filled up. But…

It was difficult.

I couldn’t imagine being with Inazuki next year. The bond between us wasn’t that strong. It felt fragile, ready to crumble at the slightest deviation. I wanted to remain in this tepid relationship forever. When I was with Inazuki, I felt like I wasn’t just a dried-out version of myself but a vibrant, colored human being.

Why was it Inazuki?

When Inazuki led me by the hand, my heart felt warm. When she smiled at me, my heart felt at ease. I couldn’t pinpoint what made Inazuki different from my other friends. It just felt natural to have her by my side, and I found myself wishing for her to be there.

“Inazuki.”

I muttered softly, and she smiled at me.

I gently smiled back.

In the dim light of the exhibit, her smile appeared more beautiful than the goldfish swimming freely in the tanks.

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