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Lately, it felt like I wasn’t myself. Emotions I had never known kept growing stronger, and honestly, it was a little scary.

Whenever Yukino got close to other people, I felt anxious. And whenever I thought about her getting a boyfriend, a wave of discomfort would rise up inside me. But when she stayed by my side, I felt at ease, and whenever I touched her, happiness would fill me. I couldn’t figure out what this feeling was.

I still hadn’t put a name to what was going on inside me, but one thing was certain — I was happy. Because Yukino was always with me.

After Yukino quit her job, she started spending more time at home. I woke up to her smile every morning, and even after I finished my lunchtime streams, she would always check in and make sure I was okay. At night, we would relax together — watching movies, playing games — until it was time to sleep.

From “Good morning” to “Good night,” every day revolved around Yukino, and it felt like heaven to me.

“Yukino…? Are you asleep?”

I never wanted to lose this happiness. The thought of someone taking Yukino away from me grew more unbearable with each passing day. If she ever fell in love with someone else, our life together would come to an end — and I couldn’t stand that.

The quickest way to make Yukino mine had been marriage, but… she turned me down.

“…You’re sleeping, huh? Okay, I’m coming in.”

I crept over to her bed and slipped under the covers. The warmth she left behind was so comforting that it made me sleepy right away.

“You’re so cute… Please, just hurry up and be mine already.”

I wrapped my arms around her, letting our body heat mingle as we breathed in rhythm.

Yukino always put herself down, but to me, she was stunning — prettier and more charming than most idols. I knew that if I stayed passive, someone else would come along and take her away.

I wanted to be more proactive, to make her fall for me through constant affection, but recently, something had been getting in the way.

For some reason, whenever Yukino touched me, I felt this overwhelming urge to run. It wasn’t that I hated it — I loved it, actually. Her touch made me happy, but my heart would race, and my face would burn up. If I hugged her while she was asleep like now, my feelings didn’t turn into a mess, but whenever she approached me, I ended up losing myself.

Whenever I hugged her while she was awake, she would always hug me back without fail. She’d pat my head or gently rub my back, and it used to be the most blissful feeling. But now, my heart would pound so wildly that I couldn’t do it as easily as before.

Still, even though it felt like my heart might burst, the happiness of being close to her was something I could never give up.

What was wrong with me?

I kept asking myself that question as I tried to make sense of these unfamiliar emotions, and before I knew it, I drifted off to sleep again.

“Ibuki, good morning.”
“Mm… Morning, Yukino…”

My mornings always started with Yukino’s smile. I wasn’t great at waking up early, but on the days she woke me up, I usually managed to get out of bed without too much trouble.

“You snuck into my bed again. Are you in a clingy mood?”
“Yeah.”

When I was still half-asleep, I didn’t get the urge to run away, even when Yukino hugged me. In fact, my need to be close to her grew even stronger, and I would end up burying my face in her chest — not that there was much to bury myself in, but still.

“Hey, are you thinking something rude?”
“Nope, not at all. Ahh, this is heaven.”
“Me too. It’s really nice to wake up and feel someone’s warmth right away.”
“‘Someone’s’? So it doesn’t matter whose?”
“Geez! Of course, I meant yours, Ibuki. If someone I wasn’t close to woke up next to me and I stayed calm, that’d be pretty weird, right?”
“Yeah, that’s true.”

Having silly conversations like this and spending these ordinary moments together felt incredibly precious. When we lived apart, we never had mornings like this.

I was so glad we had started living together.

“What do you want for breakfast?”
“Hmm… French toast. The sweet kind. And hot cocoa to drink.”
“If you eat that much sugar in the morning, you’re going to gain weight.”
“I won’t!”

I think I loved our morning chats the most. Talking about pointless things while our minds were still foggy from sleep, wrapped up in each other’s arms. The fact that my conversation partner was Yukino made it even better.

This time together was so important to me, and more than anything, I couldn’t help but adore the Yukino who stayed by my side like this.

“I really love this…”
“The French toast? You’ve been obsessed with it since we were kids.”

I breathed in Yukino’s scent as the words slipped from my mouth.

But what exactly was I saying I loved? Sure, I loved French toast, but that wasn’t it. What had been on my mind just now… was the childhood friend sitting right in front of me.

“W-wait… I was just thinking about Yukino…”
“Huh? What’s up?”

Yukino peered into my face, but I couldn’t focus on that right now. Because the person I had just thought about — the person I felt love for — was Yukino.

Of course, I loved her as a childhood friend and as my best friend, but what I had just felt went way beyond that. It was something heavier, something so much bigger.

“Your face is all red. Are you feeling hot?”
“…Hey, Yukino.”
“What?”
“Can you hug me? As tight as you can — even if it hurts.”
“Okay.”

It hurt. But feeling Yukino so close set my heart on fire. My brain, finally waking up, registered her scent, and my pulse went wild. Part of me wanted to run, but the part that wanted to stay like this was much, much stronger.

I didn’t want anyone to take this moment away from me.

Ah… so this feeling — I think I knew what it was.

“It hurts…”
“You’re the one who asked for it. Wait… do you actually like pain, Ibuki? Are you secretly a m̲a̲s̲o̲c̲h̲i̲s̲t̲?”
“…Love…”
“Wait, what? I can’t just go around hitting you, you know.”

Yes, this was love. And now that my feelings had taken shape, there was no way I could pretend otherwise.

“I love…”
“I feel like I’m gonna have a hard time in the future…”
“I really do love…”
“Okay, okay. If you love it that much, I guess I’ll do my best…”¹

I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t let her see my face.

Despite it being a cold winter morning, I felt unbearably hot. My brain, completely overheated, was filled with nothing but thoughts of Yukino.

There was no room for anything else.

“I don’t like pain.”
“Huh…? Can you decide already?”

I loved Yukino.

It was such a simple realization, but the fact that I hadn’t noticed until now made me feel unbelievably dense.

I felt awful whenever Yukino spent time with someone else because I got jealous.

The reason I wanted to run away when she touched me was because I got flustered and embarrassed.

Everything about my recent strange behavior suddenly made perfect sense.

“Let’s have breakfast. I’m starving.”
“Oh, wait… when you said love, you were talking about French Toast? Geez, you scared me for a second.”

Yukino had completely misunderstood, but that was fine — for now.

This wasn’t the right moment to confess. She always said things like that should happen in a proper, meaningful situation.

So, I decided I would tell her on her birthday. I already had plans for the day, but I’d have to rethink them now.

“I’m hungry too. Let’s make it together?”
“Okay!”

Until the day I confessed my feelings, for now — just for now — I wanted to savor this closeness with Yukino a little longer.

1. TLN: This is hard to convey due to English requiring an explicit object.

   Ibuki says just says “suki / daisuki” in japanese which leaves the object to interpretation and Yukino misunderstands it to be talking about liking pain, while she’s actually talking about yukino.

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