Not to brag, but as a first-person protagonist, I’m pretty good at reading people.

After all, someone like me—who doesn’t resort to violence (can’t even win against a goose) and is naturally cautious (actually, just a coward)—wouldn’t stand a chance as a main character without some top-tier verbal skills.

Step aside! Time for me to show off! (dramatic voice)

...Well, actually, I don’t have anything to show off, but I can bluff, can’t I?

As a divine qua—no, wait, as a god—I have my trusty emissary, Xiao Lei, to back me up in this grand deception.

"Hey, Lei Meow Meow-chan, mind if I say a few words?"

Ugh, what a cringeworthy stage name. It might work fine online, but saying it out loud feels ridiculously childish. Most people with a name like this are probably those “nya nya” internet trolls who act all cutesy but are actually greasy basement dwellers in real life.

"Oh, it’s you?"

Lei Meow-Meow shot me an annoyed glance, then rolled her eyes as if suddenly remembering something.

"Come to think of it, I owe everything to that one punch I gave you… How ‘lucky’ am I?!"

What about that makes punching me ‘lucky’? Could you not make punching me sound like randomly stepping on dog poop?!

I yanked over Xiao Lei, who was still munching on fried chicken with an OvO expression, and solemnly began spinning my nonsense.

"You might not believe it, but the reason you turned into a girl is all thanks to the divine power of this master."

Everyone gave me deadpan stares of disbelief—except for Xiao Lei, who blurted out an "Eh?!" in genuine confusion.

...Well, considering how she was transformed by Zhao Zhao, that muscle-brained idiot, Xiao Lei being a little slow to catch on is understandable. She might be airheaded, but hey, that’s part of her charm.

After a moment of silence, realization dawned on her. She made a fist, smacked it into her palm, and nodded in understanding.

"Oh! Speaking of which, I’m actually the divine emissary of the God of Bishoujo!"

Lei Meow Meow raised a skeptical eyebrow and scoffed.

"A God of Bishoujo? What even is that? There’s no way a ridiculous god like that actually exists!"

If I hadn’t become the apprentice of said god myself, I wouldn’t have believed it either.

"After you punched me, I was so pissed off that I asked the Master to curse you! The god she worships has the power to turn people into girls… but this master here messed up and mixed up the curse with a blessing. So instead of becoming cursed to be unfortunate, you turned into a blessed bishoujo."

Of course, as a god who spreads blessings as their gospel, this god doesn’t actually have the power to curse people—but I was totally playing it up to scare her.

"No, no, it wasn’t my mistake—it was the God herself who got confused! She’s a bit of a coward and kinda unreliable, so that’s why she needs an excellent divine emissary like me to assist her."

What the hell, Xiao Lei? Taking a cheap shot at me while boosting your own status?! You aren’t even a single bit capable of what you described yourself as!

In reality, pulling off this kind of bluff takes some serious guts. I mean, my holy artifact, the Notebook, was still chilling at home on my desk. If they asked me to perform a miracle on the spot, I’d be exposed as a fraud and kicked out of here in seconds!

"Alright, Xiao Lingmeng, thanks for the comic relief. I’ll take it from here."

Sis Yueyue seemed to think I was just some jester trying to keep the mood light…

"Exactly," chimed in Tian Xi. "Lingmeng, my big bro isn’t an idiot. Unless this so-called divine emissary can prove her power by turning me back into my original self, you can quit the act."

Ugh, Tian Xi’s definitely got a solid plan—if Xiao Lei can turn her back, then she must be legit. But if she can’t, then the whole "divine envoy" thing is obviously a scam, and she loses nothing.

"Communicating with our god requires special rituals and sacred tools… so there’s no way to demonstrate right now."

Xiao Lei, realizing we didn’t have the Notebook on hand, quickly threw out an excuse to dodge the challenge.

After all, when we left the house this morning, we were just planning to stroll around with Tangerine. Carrying the Notebook around would’ve been a hassle.

And in the first place, this whole incident was not even expected.

I’m so sorry, Notebook-sama! I promise I’ll always bring you with me from now on!

"Eh?!"

Suddenly, Xiao Lei let out a startled gasp, her face turning an unnatural shade of red.

"This feeling… could it be… Fuhahaha! Wahahahaha!"

She clutched her forehead, bursting into a wild, villainous laugh like some kind of possessed demon lord.

Woah, what’s wrong with her?! How’d a normal person turn into a psycho just like that?!

I instinctively took three big steps back—gotta maintain a safe distance in case she goes full lunatic.

"Just now, as the divine emissary, I received a transmission from the God of Bishoujo…"

Xiao Lei slowly raised her hand, stretching it out dramatically like she was reaching for her beloved Juliet…

Here it is! her signature cringe performance!

"She has forgiven your ignorance and rudeness! And she has granted me permission to perform a divine miracle for you, pitiful mortals who have yet to witness her glory!"

With her bluff mode fully activated, Xiao Lei beckoned me over with a finger.

I leaned in suspiciously, wanting to know what’s going on with her.

"Commander, your divine Notebook is with me."

"What?" I barely kept my expression in check, whispering back, "When did you bring it?"

"I didn’t. Just now, it suddenly appeared behind me and got stuck in my hotpants…"

I discreetly reached out and touched her lower back. Sure enough, I felt something smooth and flat—like the pages of a book.

What the hell? If the Notebook could come on its own, why didn’t it just come to me? Who’s the real God of Bishoujo here?! Or was it just that obsessed with Xiao Lei’s hotpants?!

"What are you two whispering about? Weren’t you gonna show a miracle?" Lei Meow Meow grumbled impatiently, crossing her legs with a delinquent-like attitude.

Oi, where’s that elegant, confident idol from the stage just now?!

"The process of communicating with the Goddess must be conducted in secrecy. I need to hide away in the restroom to perform the ritual!"
…Why does "performing a ritual in the restroom" sound so suspicious?

Xiao Lei briskly stepped out of the room, and on impulse, I moved to follow her.

"Wait, isn’t it weird for her to follow? I thought the ritual was supposed to be confidential?"

Lei Meow Meow’s question made me pause. She had a point—why would I need to go too? I wasn’t the divine emissary, just the emissary’s friend.

Then, Xiao Lei’s voice echoed from outside:

"She’s not an outsider—she’s the offering."

"I’M THE WHAT?!"

And just like that, in order to keep up the charade, I had become the sacrificial maiden of the God of Bishoujo’s Church of Bishoujo, offered by the emissary of the God of Bishoujo to the God of Bishoujo (Apprentice).

…What in the world is this, a freaking tongue twister?!

In the stall of the women's restroom, Xiao Lei pulled out the sacred Notebook from her hotpants. It was still warm with the lingering body heat of a maiden… After writing in it, she blushed and stuffed it back.

The air in this tiny stall was stifling, thick with tension—almost as if we were doing something unspeakable…

Oh, mighty Notebook, you managed to teleport yourself over here, but you can't just go back on your own?!

Hearing no response, Xiaolei and I cautiously peeked into the private room.

Dead silence.

"The divine miracle has descended… Have any of you experienced any changes?"

Of course, Xiao Lei and I knew exactly what had happened. But sometimes, playing dumb was part of the act.

At that moment, Lei Meow Meow stared at Xiao Lei like she'd just seen a ghost. The unwavering confidence she had just minutes ago was gone, completely shattered. After all, the bright future she had envisioned could be wiped out in an instant if the "divine emissary" decided she was unworthy.

Ah, but that all depends on the mood of the "sacrifice"!

We didn't turn her back for one reason—her dream of becoming an idol was genuine. If she reverted to Lei Laohu, what if he suddenly decided that being an idol was lame?

Tian Xi didn't change back either… But that was just because I never wanted to see that Mohawk Fatso again.

Really, proving that Xiao Lei was a divine emissary only required turning one guy in this room into a girl.

So… who was the lucky chosen one?

Lei Luo, of course.

Or should I say… Lei Loli.

Gaze upon her—a delicate black-haired young girl… no, a petite loli, even though she’s definitely 17!

She barely reached 1.5 meters, her oversized black T-shirt hanging loosely off her shoulders, exposing her pale neck and delicate collarbones. Her small, dainty hands gripped the waistband of her pants for dear life—because the moment she let go, they'd come tumbling down.

"Are you serious?! Why did I have to be the guinea pig for this ‘divine miracle’?" she snarled, her face red with fury.

"My, my, Old Lei can be this cute?"

Sis Yuanyue was beyond thrilled, perhaps her previous affection playing a part. She swooped in and wrapped her arms around the defenseless Lei Loli, rubbing her face against her silky hair.

"Divine emissary girl, please don't turn her back! I'll take responsibility and raise her myself!"

Lei Loli panicked, her voice rising.

"The hell you will! You couldn’t even take care of your own son—how would you even take care of me… wait, why the hell do I even need you to take care of me?!"

Even in loli form, she refused to let go of her masculine pride. A true man never leeches off others!

"Oh, this is just a temporary effect just for demonstration purposes," Xiao Lei added casually, "It'll only last until midnight."

Of course, this was something we had agreed on beforehand.

I smirked mischievously and leaned in, my voice dripping with playful malice.

"So, Lei Meow Meow-chan… If you still want to be an idol, you’d better behave. Otherwise, who knows what might happen next~?"

Damn, I sound like a scummy talent agent blackmailing an idol with some dirty little secret.

"That’s too despicable!"

Lei Meow-Meow whimpered pitifully.

I scoffed, "Oh? Did you forget what kind of person you were before this? You, of all people, calling me despicable? Weren’t you the one who tried to gang up on me before?"

I knelt before her sofa, looking straight into those beautiful, sharp, cat-like eyes.

"Lei Laohu, do you know how much I hated you? If you weren’t such a cute girl now, I would’ve begged the divine emissary to turn you right back."

Apparently, my glare was intimidating enough—Lei Meow Meow’s eyes turned red, like she was about to cry.

Oh? Is this still the same Lei Laohu who once beat me up?

Well.. I guess my original intent of getting revenge on him is technically achieved now…

Retrieving a tissue, I gently wiped the tears from her eyes, speaking softly, "But you know… everyone makes mistakes. One bad choice doesn’t define a person. If even a former delinquent like you can dream of being an idol… then why can’t they try being good parents for once?"

"Give them one last chance. I’ll be here to keep them in line with you."

Behind her, Lei Meow-Meow’s "idol otaku" entourage reluctantly stowed away their rubber batons, chains, and machetes.

Ahaha… ha… wow, these guys are really way too intense…

Hey, you over there! Little police loli! Could you please arrest all these armed gangsters for me?!

Oh, she just looked away!

"You… are you trying to hit on me?"

Even as a girl, Lei Meow-Meow still had that bold, delinquent streak. She sniffed and swatted my hand away.

"That’s right! I like you! Your voice is unique and special—I’m already in love with Lei Meow Meow, the idol!"

Her pupils shrank. She clearly hadn’t expected me to say that. Her breathing grew rapid.

"As a fan, I just want to see you happy, back with your family, living a blessed life."

"So… as an idol, won’t you grant this fan of yours a tiny little wish?"

The idol gazed at me, searching my eyes for any sign of insincerity.

Too bad for her—I was being 100% honest. I really did love her singing.

Everything about this plan was perfect. My words, my timing—Lei Meow Meow would surely—

"No. I still can't accept them."

Dogshit! That’s not how this was supposed to go!

I clutched my chest, choking back the rage rising in my throat.

Ding.

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